Pssst...I've got a secret.

It had been my prerogative for an eternity to know what you were thinking. Selfishly driven, I was firmly convinced, that you were thinking things about me, or plotting against me, maybe even fantasizing about me. Hell, you could be making your grocery list for all I knew, but my self-centered personality fed me other ideas. Instinctively, my fears and insecurities ran ravenous...I had to know what was going on in your mind! It's a safeguard for a control freak, like myself. If I knew what you were thinking, I could manipulate how you perceived me. God forbid you form your own opinion of me, and not the way I wanted you to think I thought I was. This way, my way, is so much easier for everyone involved. I feel warm and fuzzy and you are not allowed to think independently. It's a win-win. I can prepare for whatever you might send my way...Oh and I can come up with a quick witted answer to impress you, say what you longed to hear, that I may appeal to your inner desire. I can assure you will see me as I want to be seen. Selfish? Self-loathing? Crazy person? Ah, all the spoils of my insane thinking. That was truly how I would operate daily.

My favorite Uncle responded to me in a way, when I would pester him to share his immediate thoughts, that made a lasting impression on me. He calmly replied to my inquisition, stating that he didn't have to share his thoughts. Wait...what? But, how can I...? As I started to become...well, frantic...devastated...simply ludicrous, he went on to boast that this was the single greatest thing about having thoughts...you don't have to share them, and no one will ever know what you've thought unless you allow them to. Why you smug *******! I was in extreme agony. That is the utmost tortuous response available on the market. To this day, it still bounces around the surviving brain cells inside my head. From that moment on, it has been my fantasy, my mission of sorts, to figure people out for them. It was a modest courtesy I automatically offered. That way, you didn't get all tangled up in how you felt, and what you thought. It is a whole lot easier on both of us if I just help you along in that department. I am incredibly intuitive, and only I know what is best for you.

Not always a popular hat trick if you can imagine. People didn't seem to love this about me, some even ran screaming like I had two heads and one eye. One of the few times my husband will scream at me with the vein sticking out of his forehead. And I can't possibly blame him for that now. Who in the world wants to be told how they feel, or what they've thought...especially without their best interest in mind? It was all about me..all the time.

I had this brilliant idea, shortly after my Uncle had scared my mind for life, on how my life's work could be designing this device I could implant in your brain. This is why I studied health and science in college folks...I was that serious. When I wanted to know the TRUTH, I could just push your button and it would print out your thoughts. Proverbially speaking, this has worked for me without the brain surgery. I can piss someone off enough, they will gladly tell me what I wanted to hear, and a lot of what I didn't want to hear, just to shut me up. Not nearly as effective and takes way too much energy on my part to get you to that point. This solution is better...I can do it on the sly. Trick me now, buddy!

Hmmm...I think trust issues just reared their ugly heads. Self discovery...ewwww!

Oh, but it gets better. There is this little thing called karma, friends. With all my attempts to control everyone and everybody, I got a little taste of losing all control imaginable. My dearest friends and family know that I had major back surgery this past December under conscious sedation. This is where you are out (of your mind) but awake. Oddly enough, the medicine is like a truth serum of sorts. Fun. Trust me on this one, when they know you are "one of their own", staff will take advantage of your vulnerability...it is human nature. All, it takes is a few leading questions, and you are on a roll with your naked butt in the air. Word to the wise...clean your closet beforehand. I know a couple of people that would have bought tickets to this event, some that would have sold tickets to get back at me. Humble pie...fuzzy cat...same aftertaste.

So, where do you hide all the secrets? I am discovering, in allotted doses, that it is up to me where and when and what. I wanted the control, so there it is. The difference in me now is, I am responsible for the consequences from the choices I make. If I bury a secret in the darkest place I can find inside of me, it lives...it gains strength. It can taunt and hinder me, create fear in me that makes me apprehensive about life. Instead, like a vampire lurking in the shadows of darkness, I can shine light on it, and it turns to dust. Assuredly, dust can not hurt me.