It is no surprise to me that people succumb to the turmoil that they do. In a society founded on strength, and the theological ideal of invincibility, it is no wonder our psychiatric population is brimming at their magnetic doors. For centuries, major contributors have lacked the safeguards, the true safeguards, for their victims. High risk careers, less fortunate populations, the exposed and exploited...these are the true victims. The strength of such people holds true in history as a celebrated and coveted trait. Those who protect and serve, those men and women in the front lines of war. Individuals playing God, pushing sand against the inevitable hands of the one who gave and now comes to take away. Others victimized and exposed to such doings, lacking the capacity to understand, let alone, sort through. And again, who is celebrated? The nurse that can walk away from a dead infant, and continue about the day. The soldier that returns from war, and falls back into place, at home, unscathed. The molested child who survives, the teenager witness to homicide that lives, the quiet toddler watching prime time television for goodness sakes!
There are those among us that take it all in stride like water rolling off a duck's back. Or are there? Do they simply shrug it off, or do they lock that pain somewhere? Where does it go? Does the exposure to life's traumas blindly lead us down a desperate path unknowingly seeking relief? Are these acceptable societal norms, and tragic misfortunes of others, responsible for the social maladjustment, and emotional retardation of generations? Why isn't anyone taking care of us, especially when the statistics scream vulnerability? More proactively, why aren't we taking care of ourselves?
Derived from personal and professional experience, this topic weighs heavy on my already thick laden mind. We have all perused through the pamphlets, whether presented to us formally, or as a formality. Some, sought out through innocent curiosity until someone lays eyes on you in the "self-help" section at the book store. There are a myriad of programs available and readily in place for those afflicted and suffering. In retrospect, I wish I had taken such opportunities during my career to decompress and debrief after pumping on someones chest for hours to no avail, or holding a mother who just lost her son to heart disease. Those memories rush my entire body too eager to take me back there, like it happens everyday. Because it did. For me, specifically, it did. I would lose life's, limbs, money, prestige....daily. I chose to bear witness to trauma, tragedy, misfortune, and evil. If you didn't stuff the emotions, and keep on keeping on, you were chastised and respect of your peers became compromised. For this I wonder...why couldn't someone do for me what I couldn't do for myself? Isn't that their responsibility somehow? We are quick to lose hope when faced with the hopeless. Too quick to lose humility when people are at our mercy. And, far too eager to challenge Him when we disagree and lose serenity. Most anyone else will pat you on the back and give you two good 'ata boys'...but God will do for you what you can not do for yourself. He will carry you when these burdens weigh you down, and hand you off to those who will carry you until you can stand again. It Doesn't feel as good as the 'ata boys'...there is no instant gratification in it...but the humility, the serenity and hope come back in due time.
I believe that the obvious societal pressures contribute immensely. Darwin set a standard for mankind, that if you were not the strongest, you would be destined to parish. Romanticizing the idea of a strong, undefeatable race of people. The neanderthal that can slay the saber, and sit down with his family for dinner, not digesting or celebrating the life lost. Fear not, I am so not a vegetarian friends. In other context, lend a thought to the Nurse who just turned off an eight year old's life support. No family at bedside to speak of. Rightfully so, as her mother is in County pending charges for beating her child to the last inch of her life...on Christmas Eve none the less. I promise you...this is not exaggerated by one vowel. But the stoic nurse walks away and tends to her other patients, laughing with her coworkers. That is how it is supposed to be done. How about the soldier, turning off the survival mode in which his morals and values became severely compromised to survive. Now, able to fly back to his free country to watch his kids ride their bikes down the street. These are the celebrated ones. And justly so. The pat on the back, the promotion, a medal, respect of their peers..all this continues to feed the ideal that we are unscathed. We are victorious if we hold it in...don't cry...don't let them see you hurting.
So where does it go then? I've seen it come out in anger. Better mad than sad...that way I still look tough and people will either respect me, or fear me...either way...they can't see me for what I am. Others suppress feelings by abusing drugs and alcohol...the pain numbing types. The "I know it's there, and I know it hurts...but I can't feel it" types. I have also seen the unfortunate...or are they so unfortunate...those that merely lose all since of reality in a desperate attempt to keep it locked away, as once deemed a commendable trait. These are the friends and neighbors we hurry up and lock away so that they don't hurt anyone. But does anyone ever wonder... who hurt them? Who ignored their pain...their desperate attempts to get relief despite the inability of society to pick up on their affliction?
I wander on this for miles...almost to the obsessive degree. Why is it that we can not be celebrated for the vulnerable beings that we are? I believe it to be a humanely healthy response to pull away, back up, and put a limit on what I can expose myself to. It's not a weakness, although perceived to be. To put up these boundaries of sorts, to protect the raw flesh that is human sanity, can be misconstrued as insolent. But to the boundary builder, is as essential to exist as breathing.
As I can only speak for TerriMarie, I have to take care of myself. And to get others off the hook here...only I know what my limits are, that is why I don't rely on you to make my boundaries, or plaster the self inflicted cracks. We have to keep fresh that we are delicate, emotional beings...crying is as necessary a function as urinating. Hold that one in for a while! It will take longer, but to resist emotion will have the same devastating effects on your physical well being. All those disgusting things we encounter are on our path for a reason that I am just learning to trust. Your journey can be smooth, or all uphill...I have simply chosen not to carry the weight of the world as I travel despite the terrain. Not a lesson easily come by here, but a lesson not easily forgotten
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