Just let go already!

My children have come to believe that the amount of effort they put into building such intricate castles from sand, will pay off by the length of time they remain unscathed. Carefully crafting trenches and walls, amplifying the grandiose structure on the mount which it rests. Almost as if it were untouchable. Soon enough, their expressions would quickly change as the tide inched closer. How suddenly, almost instinctively, their focus can change from the joy of living in the moment, to frantic and desperate attempts to derail the fate of their design. When it is all said and done, despite their valiant and innocent efforts, the sand returns to the path of least resistence... going downhill with the motion of the waves.

The threat to their creation is all too familiar in reference to how I lived life for as long as I can remember. The tide is inevitable. We can predict the rising and falling, only to prepare for what is bound to happen. Sadly, if you can not accept that, the frantic scurry to salvage the unsalvageable can become a constant reality. I still can familiarize with that sense of urgency like it is sitting beside me...it had been my driving force to breathe every minute of every day. I can get anxious about it in a split second if I let it out of that familiar spot just above my stomach, where my memory connects psychosomaticly. If you've ever had "that feeling in the pit of your stomach"....that is what I am referencing. The pressure and expectation to perform kept me functionally numb for as long as I have had breathin my lungs. I refuse to live there anymore...at any cost. At some point, you have to accept that the tide will take your sandcastle whether you build a barrier or not. I have learned to stop expending my energy in the valiant effort to control that, and I had had some serious walls in place upon coming to this conclusion. But what are walls if made of sand? Instead, I am willing to see where the tide takes me today.

Having said all that, it is my objective to actually believe it...more importantly, live it. It is volatile to one's peace of mind to consistently throw one's self into situations that...pardon my french...suck! Self-destructive behavior does not rock...contrary to my most popular of beliefs. I used to, wait, I still do it...create these expectations of life...fantasies of sorts. A wise man once said, "Expectations are resentments under construction". I am not sure who came up with that, but the message was delivered to me in this beautifully wrapped package, with a note addressed solely to me. I am the center of the world in case you didn't already know this about me. And just like divine delivery, it came when it was needed...just about the time the workers in my head were threatening to strike my construction zone if I didn't lighten up a little. I'm learning that it is easier to lower my expectations, and take what I get, I suppose. I promise you, nothing can kill the aftertaste of swallowing a fuzzy cat backwards...I rather be a bit disappointed at times. It reminds me that expectations are that easy to have. Lately, I was brave enough to test that theory, just in case the rules changed and I didn't get the memo. Needless to say, I'm a little disappointed to report that the heavens still did not open up to make all my wildest fantasies a reality, and the cat kicked and clawed all the way down. But I am not resentful this morning...I recognized my behavior. That, my friend, is progress.

So that is where I learn to let go. Realizing that it isn't life by my design, clearly, or I would have grabbed that bull by the horns and rode that bad boy to town. Instead, I just followed the plan designed for me, and I have to learn to trust that. Even as I tried to control minor details to get what I wanted, it still went the way it was suppose to. If I would simply give up my independence, all of it, things would go my way, His way, the way it suppose to go. That, my friend, is faith. Sand is sand, I get that...but man builds concrete, and then comes Tsunami. So don't buck the system . It is what it is.